how to beat off a bad guy:

so i dunno who reads this, and who really knows who reads your blog anyway. cause it's like i could probably google anyone and find their blog, probably. anyway, but yeah, i don't really know who does. but i'm guessing if you do, you should probably know how to fight off a bad guy. so i'm gonna tell you, cause i have. you know, beaten off a bad guy, if you will. (side note: i'm really into commas these day, it's like a new obsession of mine. when i write papers for school i like to comma the heck, okay, hell, out of them. i think it makes me seem more smart, or something.) 

so anyway, this post stems from an encounter i had leaving work a few weeks ago. some dude followed me to my car and tried to get in. it was pretty crazy, and i wish i could tell you i jujitsu'd the heck, okay, hell out of him. but i didn't. nor did i run him over with my car or stab him in the eye with my keys. no, none of those things even crossed my mind. they say adrenaline kicks in in times like those, but if that's what adrenaline feels like, i'm screwed. i couldn't even say  my name, let alone karate chop him in the privates. (i first typed balls, but then maybe kids are reading this, and i don't know if that is atomically correct, which leads me to this other funny story i have to insert here, so last weekend i was in Vegas and i ordered some garlic breadstick things, and when the guy brought them to me i was like i ordered breadsticks, and he was like "well these are breadsticks just ball shaped..... i mean ball sized.... i mean..." then walked away mumbling. ba ha.) i could barely tame my shaky hands or swallow the lump in my throat. yeah so i would say that my adrenaline is pretty worthless. luckily i had enough sense to lock the car doors. 

k so you are probably wondering, well when is she going to tell me how to beat off a bad guy when she has obviously proven she can't. well my friends, while i was filing a police report on the incident the officer told me something that i thought was a pretty great weapon, he said "as humans we are blessed with intuition, and you followed that today" he also said "you don't live in happy valley young lady, you're lucky to be alive" and other sentences that scared the crap, okay, shit out of me.

so i don't know if you caught that in the last paragraph but the secret to fighting off a bad guy is your intuition, heart, holy ghost, whatevs you prefer. i like to think that somebody was watching out for me that day, and for that, i am grateful.

Au Revoir!

yeah, don't worry that i igoogle translated that phrase. who knew french phonetics are nonexistent. well folks i say good bye, sayonara, and, of course, au revoir, today to another chapter in my life. i moved home from my cute cozy apartment, complete with two of my best friends and dvr. i will miss it, but i am excited to start the next chapter of my life, complete with 34 credit hours, and hopefully a diploma in april that will prove i am competent to.... well do all things marketing. that's what a diploma means right? yeah, right.  

wondering how i survived on my own without my mother's cookin'? two words, horse cake.  

bye bye bye.

my family and i, we have this tradition where we name our cars based off of the license plate. for example, my car in high school had the license plate HWD, which naturally made his name howard. so that was his name, howard, howie, h dawg... whatevs. my mom's van is named young jewish male as the license plate reads YJM. Anyway, you get the picture. so i got a new car a few years ago and was excited to name it. The license plate came, and it read PKR. I was stumped, parker? pucker? picker? nothing fit this car, especially since i felt she was a girl. so, for two years she remained nameless. when i traded her in a few weeks ago, i thought the parting would be simple, as she had no name. but i was wrong. i got choked up and made my mom take a million pictures of her and i. so i would never forget her. thanks nameless mazda3, thanks for the memories... 

Ice cream, you scream, we all gag for ice cream

the other day, ali and i stopped for food at ice burg. on our way out we also got ice cream cones. we then took pictures of ourselves eating the cones. it was going along just like any normal pic sesh. but then, out of nowhere, ali GAGS on her ice cream. and i mean not just a small gag, but a full on, GAG. GAGAGAG. ugh, i can't even attempt to write how it sounded. but just know, it was hilarious. and the cones were delish.

Wes, the tool.

All my single ladies, PLEASE take note of the man above. And please stay away from him or any other man who acts as he does. His name is Wes. Wes is a tool. He fits all of the stereotypical characteristics of a tool. Unsure of what makes a guy a tool? I figured you would be. So I have compiled the following list of red flags that may indicate the boy you are dating or have a crush on is, indeed, a tool.

-Hot.

-Oddly dressed.

-Accent of some sort. 

-Not sure how to form complete sentences, and if he gets one out, it is not in the correct context.

-Likes country music and sings it whenever asked.

-When defeated, says phrases such as, "after this i'm planning on having a lot of sex" "i get chicks"  or, my personal favorite "you're not that hot anyway"

-Wears Ed Hardy.

-Biceps bigger than both your thighs.

-Small head.

-Does summer sales.

I hope this helps. Also, please note, Wes is not an ex boyfriend of mine, but rather, a bachelorette contestant. Also, if your boyfriend/husband/crush/brother fit the description of two or more of these, please plan an intervention soon. 

check.

i just got done kicking some finance ass. now i can focus on the greater things in life... getting a tan.

i'm 17, again.

i've jumped on the bandwagon that i use to throw eggs at. i'm one of them. i have a big.fat.crush. on zac efron. there, i said it. i saw 17 again and he has never looked so good to me. if you've seen the movie, i know you can't resist him either. want to start a fan club?

ps. so there are a lot of you who have gone private. and now i can't stalk you. and i want to see your blog pleeeeeaaaaase. namely: mallory b. etta. sue. keri. please add me, melraea@gmail.com so i can stalk you again.